Disclaimer: This began as an article about my personal feelings about Kurau: Phantom Memory. It ended up, several hours later, as a somewhat melancholy twelve-hundred word essay about my social and relationship difficulties. If that’s not something you want to read about, turn back now. I also wish to make clear that none of the comments within are specifically aimed at my internet friends. I know that you all lead other lives, and I appreciate any time you do take to converse with me. For those sufficiently interested or voyeuristic, read on…
Recently, I have been watching a series called Kurau: Phantom Memory. Even with four episodes still to go I feel justified in saying that it is one of my favourite television series of all time, and this is due in no small part to the emotional impact it has had on me. Kurau is a very engaging show in which all of the major and even supporting characters are well developed and realistically motivated. That alone would be enough to earn it a place in my affections, but what has seen it take it’s place alongside some of my very favourite things so quickly is the way it has made me feel. It has affected me in a way few things ever have; Firstly it has moved me to tears, but secondly it has done so in a very rare way because it is not simply the events on screen which have moved me, but also their relevance to my own life.
More than anything else, Kurau is about human relationships. In particular it is about loving relationships, those where people really do care about one another; Kurau and her father, and then her ‘pair’ Christmas; Doug and his young son Ted; The ill-fated Yvon and Jessica. But more than that because through his work looking out for them Doug comes to care about Kurau and Christmas, and through their shared experiences Kurau and Christmas come to care about Yvon. There are several more examples of emotional bonds being built between characters like this through the course of the series and as a result, you as a viewer come to care about them all. But there is also another emotional thread running throughout Kurau which is what particularly affected me, the clue is in the title of this article. The theme is one of longing, of wanting something which is not forthcoming so much to the point of it being hard to bear. And in Kurau it is a longing for people, to have and be with others you care about. Kurau initially longs for Christmas, the other half of her ‘Rynax pair’ to manifest herself physically so that she can be with her (Humans who are exposed to Rynax energy take on new characteristics and powers, one of them the need to live as a ‘pair’. This is presumed to be a specific individual, but it is later revealed that does not have to be the case). Kurau feels alone and incomplete without Christmas, and also longs to see her father again, as he does to see her. Later on, the tragic figure of Yvon simply longs for someone, anyone, to be his ‘pair’ eventually encountering the similarly lonely Jessica who eventually reciprocates through her own longing to be with someone (and looking to even appreciating his forthrightness, after initially being scared by it). It was the destruction of Yvon and Jessica’s new found happiness which affected me the most.
I don’t want anyone to think that Kurau has depressed me, I was often very happy for the characters (which is interesting because that’s the opposite reaction I have to seeing real people in loving, fulfilling relationships, which is a kind of jealous rage) but even that sense of joy at their happiness has made me realise just how great my own sense of longing for meaningful relationships is. I decided recently I would attempt to change the aspects of my life I was unhappy with and the largest looming issue was that of my social life, as partly through circumstance (but mainly through my own choice) it had dwindled to absolute non-existence. So for a while I have been attempting to connect with others by several means. But it seems that because I’m the kind of person who is very open and honest with others about myself and my feelings I have a tendency to freak people out or drive them away, even here on the Internet (after all, I’m the kind of person who would write a very personal article like this one and place it in the public domain; I’m probably making some of you who are reading this article uncomfortable right now). I try and start conversations and they fall flat, and I think the main reason for this is the reserved nature of others vs. my own way of telling everything exactly like it is. I behave, and will continue to behave in this way because I believe in what Mahatma Ghandi said: That “You must be the change you wish to see in the world”. I am the real me every second of every day because I have no wish to deceive people. I won’t play the silly, selfish games I watch other people play to get what they want from each other (in any circumstances – this is one of the reasons I decided not to continue with a career in retail. The customer is not always right. I can’t and won’t treat people with respect or courtesy who don’t deserve it). What I would love most of all is for my honesty and spontaneity to be reciprocated. So far however, it has not been.
In terms of relationships I do have, I have a loving family (who I badly neglect primarily because of my desire to form social connections outside of those I have with them) and several on-line acquaintances for whose friendship I am grateful, as it is currently the only social interaction I get on a day-to-day basis. So I do not feel utterly alone. But nevertheless, I am physically alone. None of them can help me when like Kurau I lie awake at night wishing there was someone there with me, or like Yvon I get so angry and upset at others’ refusal to reciprocate my desire for companionship (though for me, it’s a case of doing so in private after the fact. I don’t go around assaulting people the way he does). Longing is a painful thing to experience, but no matter what I don’t want to go back to ignoring it like I was before, and filling that hole in my life with the emotional Polyfilla of consumerism and mindless entertainment; Because if I do that I know I will never have my desire for social contact fulfilled, just as I know I will never achieve anything if I don’t actively pursue it. For a long time I thought so very little of people, and thought that I could do without having anyone around. But you know what? I have to admit that I can’t. For a long time I wasn’t giving people a chance, but now that I am I find that they aren’t willing to give me a chance. Perhaps I’m singling out the wrong people, or looking in the wrong places. There have to be some people out there who feel the same way I do about life, about love and about friendship, don’t there? But if so I can only frustratedly ask the same question Kurau and Yvon ask themselves…
“Where are you?”
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